It’s funny. Eight months ago, I wrote a sort of short biography on here and I was determined that this year would be mine. Everything would go how I wanted it to, or needed it to. In a way, it has. In a way, it’s hasn’t. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve made some pretty grave mistakes this year, but I hope that I am on my way to rectifying those things. I have never been a fan of dwelling on things I’ve done wrong, but I also believe that examination leads to knowledge. So here goes.
I came back to Houston after a difficult couple of months in Louisiana, where I realized that I wasn’t very small town, and I wasn’t who I wanted to be. When I came home, I gave up. Well, I gave up to the extent that those around me would allow. Eventually, I picked myself back up. Unfortunately it wasn’t before I acted like a ridiculously pompous (excuse my French) ass-hat to several people I used to very close to. Without going into considerable detail, I will say that how I acted during events which took place at the end of March… Well, it wasn’t my finest moment. I burned the bridge with several close friends, and very nearly burned the bridge with several other people. It has taken me a few months, but after considerable thought, I would hope they will read the following apology:
For the past few years, I have been extremely absent. When I was around I always managed to have something happen to alienate myself from you and your family. This past spring seemed to be the pinnacle of my stupid, thoughtless actions. I was not surprised to hear that none of you really wanted to see, or be around, me. I promised I would act differently so often that if I were to say it now, I know it would mean very little to you. For all of this, I am deeply sorry. Your family was(and still is) very important to me, but I did not treat any of you that way. I will never not regret the way I have acted around all of you. You were as much a part of my family as any blood relatives, and that I have ruined that is not something I could ever be proud of.
To one of you in particular, I am sorry if you ever felt bullied or put down by me and my actions. I have never aimed to hurt you, despite my brutal honesty. I could have, and should have, handled the changes in your life so much better than I did. I pushed you out because I was hurt and I felt as though you had forgotten me. Rather than talking to you, I rejected you and reacted viciously to any conversation where you came up. I am truly sorry for how I have treated you the past few years, but especially this past year and a half. If we can ever be close again, I will do my best not to push you away. You have been such a large part of my life that it is very hard for me to accept that you want nothing to do with me. However, I will respect your decision. Should you ever need or want to talk to me, or see me, feel free to call. I promise I’ll answer.
Finally, to all of you, I feel that I should leave you alone, and let you come to your own conclusion. I can only show that I am different now, because I have never lived up to my word. I can say, for my part, that there have been several positive changes in my life. These things have helped to get me back on track. They have gotten me to a point of confidence with the people around me, school, and my life in general. Again, I can only prove this through actions, and I can only hope that one day you will accept me back into our little family again.
If there is one thing I have learned several times this year, it is this: As an adult, I have to take responsibility. I can no longer rely on the older adults in my life to constantly come to my rescue. I hope that one day I’ll have enough wisdom to shut my mouth and listen more often than I speak thoughtlessly.